1. Making you feel safe and loved. From where were you supposed to draw the hate and anger that is required in order to succeed at violent sports such as football and boxing? She left your rage well completely dry!
2. Making you eat healthy foods like fruits and vegetables. So much for growing into the obese body of an NFL offensive lineman. Child obesity leads to NFL riches. Read a parenting book, mom!
3. Teaching you how to read. It’s not a coincidence that no SEC school ever contacted you about playing after that. What was she thinking in teaching you about thinking?
4. Limiting your hours playing video games. Mom, you idiot, it’s impossible to learn how to read a defense if you play less than five hours of Madden a day.
5. Making you go to bed at a reasonable time. You could have gotten a lot of training done at 2:00 a.m. when you were a little kid. You were robbed of countless extra practice time. Way to screw that up, MOM!
6. Teaching you good manners. All-time greats like Dick Butkus and Barry Bonds aren’t exactly known for their manners. Mom should have raised you to be a dick on the field and off.
7. Insisting that you take baths and have good hygiene. It’s tough to be a gritty, dirt-covered pro athlete if you’ve been raised to avoid wallowing in filth. Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but it’s nowhere near scrappiness.
8. Letting you use your naturally dominant right hand. It’s much easier for a left-handed pitcher to make it in the majors than a righty. Apparently everyone knows this except dumbass mom.
9. Caving to your wish to play a popular, mainstream sport. Everyone plays sports like baseball and basketball. There’s a ton of competition to make it professionally. But if only you had been funneled into [some obscure sport you are confident you would have dominated if only given the shot as a child], you would be rich and famous today. Mom crapped on your destiny!
10. Attending all of your games. Maybe you would have attempted and successfully executed a 360 dunk if you weren’t afraid of failing in front of your mom. You were crushed by her unyielding support and that’s something you can never forgive.
11. Loving you unconditionally. Mom always told you that you did a good job as long as you tried your best. LIES! You did not always do a good job. If only she had laid into you over striking out in Little League a few times, you would have nutted up and made something of yourself.
12. Not being destitute. You never promised yourself that you would become a millionaire professional athlete in order to support your family. Why? Because mom already had a job. Selfish.
13. Bringing orange slices for the halftime soccer treat. How about some steroids, mom! Lots of Vitamin C never helped anyone hit a home run.
14. Being faithful to your father. Sleeping with your coaches would have helped you get invaluable playing time. Was a little sacrifice for your child too much to ask, mom?! Huh? Was it?
15. Getting knocked up by your schlub father instead of by someone with great athletic genes. Why did you have to be the one woman who didn’t sleep with Wilt Chamberlain? Why?! You stupid non-slut!
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