The Internal Monologue of a Sports Fan Streaker

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*0:00* — Okay. This buzz is kicking in real nice. I'm going to do it. I am. It's now or never! I CAN BECOME A LEGEND!

0:10 — Just slowly slip off the pants. And now the shirt. What's this fan next to me looking at? He's never seen a man strip down to his underwear at a game before? What a weirdo. I'm going streaking!

0:30 — One last check at the security guy in my section. All clear. He doesn't see me.

0:31 — One last swig of beer.

0:35 — Alright, one more last swig of beer.

0:37 – And finish that half-empty beer that someone left under their seat.


0:44 — I feel so free! So alive! I've never run so fast!

0:46 — Oh, god. Starting to tire. Chest is burning. Legs … also burning. I forgot to consider my awful cardiovascular shape and the nine beers I've had.

0:49 — But no time for that now. Security staff at 10 o'clock. Cops at 1. And also 4. And … now 7. Jeez. A bit much. I'm not a terrorist with a bomb. Just a totally badass dude in some underwear. Okay, dig deep! Find that inner strength! You can't tire now. This is where that one time you went jogging in September pays off! It's time to begin evasive maneuvers!

0:52 — Oh, yeah, totally juked that fat one. The crowd is applauding now. They see my natural athletic ability on display.

0:54 — Boom. Turned on the afterburners and pulled away from the jogging cop. Now I'm into open field. I'll slow down a bit and save some energy.

0:56 — Uh, oh. Here they come again. And there's more of them. Closing fast.

0:58 — Going to need a spin move to get away from this guy … oh! Oh god! My hamstring! No! Struck down in my glory!

1:00 — Don't slow down. Fight through it! You can't be seen limping on YouTube! The commenters there are very mean!

1:01 — Come on you can do this. You have to … go back to your seat, I guess? Ah, shit, I didn't think this through. I had no exit strategy. Crap. This may have been a poor decision. I think I may have a serious drinking problem. Well, there's no way out now. You just have to run for all eternity. Re-commence evasive maneuvers!

1:03 — Oh, no! No! The pain! There goes my other hamstring! Wait, no. I'm being Tased. Ahh! AHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Tased in the hamstring. I didn't want to die this way!

1:06 — Why? Why is the fat one sitting on my chest now? Why did he take my juke move personally? I can't help that I'm crazy athletic. I was born this way. Just as he was surely born fat and able to crush people's lungs, as he is currently doing to me.

1:08 — Oh, really? Handcuffs? That seems a bit much. I'm armed with nothing but grass-stained underwear. And, if I'm honest, a little bit of poop is in there, too. Tasing is not a pleasant experience.

1:15 — Phew. Feels good to be on my feet again, albeit by force. At least I assume I'm on my feet. I can't really feel my legs. Oh, wow. Listen to the crowd. They loved me. I am an entertainer! I can delight tens of thousands! Now just don't throw up before you're off the field. Don't want to go out on a low.

1:30 — What's that officer? What's my name for the arrest report? Why, it's YouTube Legend For A Day. What's it like to meet someone famous?

1:33 – Oww. Taser to the face. Good thing I am completely wasted. This would probably hurt much more.