The 15 Most Unique Features of the New Nike NFL Uniforms

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*Philadelphia Eagles* — each Eagles jersey contains a swatch of fabric from the uniforms of the 2004 men's basketball Olympic "Dream Team" featuring Stephon Marbury and Allen Iverson.

New York Jets — the Jets' batch of uniforms contains no No. 6 Mark Sanchez jersey.

New Orleans Saints — the Saints' uniform pants include an external pocket that can be used to fit cash earned during games for knockouts.

Seattle Seahawks — Seahawks jerseys do not have player names on the back to spare Seahawks players from being identified while dressing that ridiculously in public.

Detroit Lions — Lions uniforms are designed to start out strong and then fall apart as the season goes on.

Pittsburgh Steelers — all Steelers jerseys contain a magnetic strip containing their credit card and bank information that allows Roger Goodell to fine them on the field with a single swipe.

Dallas Cowboys — the Cowboys uniforms feature the thinnest, most lightweight fabric ever made, as the team doesn't need a uniform that provides warmth in January.

Washington Redskins — Washington's jerseys contain high-tech fibers that redirect the sun's rays directly at Mike Shanahan's face.

Baltimore Ravens — featuring a state-of-the-art, moisture-wicking fabric, the Ravens new uniforms can be completely dry just 60 seconds after getting doused with Gatorade or champagne following a regular season victory.

Denver Broncos — all new Broncos jerseys contain a flared neck that is really more like a mock turtleneck. Or maybe even a neck brace. Actually, it's just a neck brace. A big, orange neck brace. The rest of the uniform is exactly the same as it was before.

San Diego Chargers — the team's new helmets are designed without earholes in order to help Chargers players ignore everything Norv Turner says.

Cleveland Browns — the Browns' new helmets catch player tears and convert them into a sports drink.

Indianapolis Colts — Colts jerseys are now just white t-shirts with Andrew Luck's face airbrushed on the front.

Jacksonville Jaguars — Nike forgot to make Jaguars uniforms. The Jaguars are just getting sweatpants and some numbered pinnies.

New England Patriots — All Patriots uniforms were made in Nike sweatshops by child laborers. Because Bill Belichick thought that would be hilarious.