Reeling Red Sox Now Just Doing Meth

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The Boston Red Sox have fallen to 4-8 following a two-game sweep at the hands of the Texas Rangers in which they gave up 24 runs. But the locker room mood isn't focused on losing. In fact, Boston's locker room is now a makeshift meth lab.

"Look, there was a lot of blowback about us drinking and eating fried chicken during games last year," said Josh Beckett. "I won't deny that. So we decided to buckle down this year and focus on baseball. We gave our best for a week or so. But it didn't work out. And now we've moved onto other things."

While Boston's offense has produced, the starting rotation has been rocked. No starter has an ERA below 4.63. But right Clay Buchholz, who has a 9.82 ERA and 1.73 WHIP so far, bristles at the pitching staff getting all the blame.

"Let's see you pitch with third-degree burns all over your midsection due to lighter fluid and ether engulfing you in flames 10 minutes before the first pitch," he said. "I think I did pretty well under the circumstances."

Boston designated hitter David Ortiz says that if the losing continues, he will take it upon himself as a team leader to put the brakes on the team's locker room meth operation.

"We need to get back to the basics that made this team so great back in 2004 and 2007," he said. "Strong pitching, defense, timely hitting, locker room camaraderie and a ton of steroids. Mostly the steroids. Meth has zero performance-enhancing attributes."

The Red Sox also announced today that starter Jon Lester has been placed on the disabled list with loss of teeth and face rot.