Less than 24 hours after participating in his first official workout as a member of the New York Jets, Tim Tebow is reportedly depressed and questioning his entire worldview.
"Tim is in a very dark place right now," said his brother, Robbie Tebow. "He's not sure if there's anything to live for or if there is any good in the world. This is new for him. He's questioning everything and the only answers he's finding our hopelessness and despair. The Jets have killed his soul."
The quarterback's brother admits he saw this coming.
"Ever since he was a little kid, Tim had an unshakeable faith in Jesus Christ. Everyone who knew him knew he walked the walk and was sincere in his faith," said Robbie. "But when I found out he got traded to the Jets, well I can't say I didn't expect this. I really don't see how it's possible to be a Jet and live with Christ's joy. God is powerful, but even the creator of the universe is weak in the face of that level of failure and debauchery."
Tebow reported to the Jets team facility Monday morning in his usual upbeat, outgoing manner, shaking hands and laughing with teammates. But not five minutes later, a change in mood started to appear.
"He got real sad and quiet," said head coach Rex Ryan. "Like his dog had died. I've seen it many times before. Although with most new Jets players, that transformation into complete and total sadness and depression happens the second they walk through the door. But with Tim it took a few minutes. His character was that strong."
It was around this time that Robbie Tebow received a call from his brother.
"He was crying," said Robbie. "His voice sounded so empty. He said: 'Robbie, it's all a lie. There is no God. No supposedly good and intelligent being could allow an organization as depraved and hopeless as this to exist. You can't even begin to imagine the horrors I have seen here today. God is dead.' And then he hung up."
After the call, about an hour into the workout, Tebow was heard loudly and angrily cursing and then he began making fun of born-again Christians, calling them "morons" and "fking simpletons who believe in a fairy tale." Around midday he was spotted out behind the team facility torturing animals and having sex with a old, toothless prostitute. His current whereabouts are not known, but his brother fears the worst.
"I wouldn't be surprised if Tim jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge or threw himself in front of a subway train," said his brother. "It would be the best for him and for us. We don't want someone with his leadership ability and charisma completely submitting to evil. He could raise armies of ill around the globe. He could be the antichrist. And it would all be the Jets' fault.