Arkansas Reportedly Looking for Best Eunuch Football Coach Available

undefined – Image 1
With Bobby Petrino now dismissed as head coach at Arkansas, the Razorbacks are without a head football coach for the second time in less than five years — which each vacancy coming under a cloud of sexually impropriety.

"I vow to Razorback Nation that this program will never be in this situation again," said athletic director Jeff Long. "I will make it my top priority in finding a new person to lead this program that he not have any testicles."

Long said on-the-field success can no longer dictate Arkansas' personnel moves.

"I'd love to bring in some Xs and Os genius who is a great recruiter and has perfect character," he said. "But those are hard to find. Especially when you're looking for a full-on eunuch with zero sexual urges. Put that filter on and it really limits the pool."

Arkansas' search committee so far has narrowed in on three ball-less candidates. Former Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel was also initially considered, until reports that he "had no balls" were found to be about his playcalling, not an actual physical description.

The candidates' football experience is limited. One man, who lost his testicles in a farming accident, played Division III football in Iowa. Another is a former high school football coach from Florida who lost his testicles in a chimp attack. The final, and best, candidate is a volunteer coach at a small college in Montana.

"But I'm hesitant to hire him," said Long. "He lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident. That still hits a little too close to home."

Advertisement