Why All of Your NCAA Tournament Picks SUCK

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1. North Carolina – The Tar Heels look amazing on paper. The same as your NCAA Tournament bracket. And then actual games have to start. Not so amazing now, huh?

16. Lamar/Vermont – Lamar head coach Pat Knight said straight out a few weeks ago that his team blows. Yeah, I think I'll trust the guy who sees them every day. And what do we know about Vermont? Oh, only that the Selection Committee feels they're basically indistinguishable from the worst team Pat Knight has ever seen in his life.

8. Creighton – Creighton has a star in Doug McDermott. Unfortunately — and no shame in not knowing this — there are five players on the court for a team at once in basketball, not just one. D'oh! So close to having a legitimately good team! Just 80-percent short. Bummer.

9. Alabama – Even if — and we're admittedly having a crazy thought exercise here — Alabama happened to play well, the school would come in and shut the team down so the athletic department wouldn't waste money on a non-football sport.

5. Temple – Remember how John Chaney always got his team far into the Tournament. He hasn't been at Temple for a while. But you probably noticed that.

12. California/South Florida – A 12-seed play-in game. Obviously the Selection Committee felt it had more 16-seed-quality teams than it had spaces to put them, so they just sprinkled the stink throughout the bracket.

4. Michigan – Michigan has returned to greatness just like Indiana! In that neither of them have actually returned to greatness! YAY!

13. Ohio – Ohio State-Michigan is a rivalry. Ohio-Michigan is not. Because no one needs to pump themselves up to beat Ohio. You just take the court and let nature take its course.

6. San Diego State – San Diego State is 210th in the nation in assists. There is no "I" in "team." There is also no "San Diego State" in "winning anything at all."

11. NC State – NC State got really excited when their name was called during the Selection Show. Classic "Wow, we did not expect this, because we are not very good" reaction.

3. Georgetown – Remember back when Georgetown was a legitimate national power that contended for NCAA championships year after year after year? No, neither do I. If you said yes – scram, grandpa! Back to the retirement home!

14. Belmont – Obviously not a real school. Nice try attempting to slip one in on us, Selection Committee. But we're not stupid. Next.

7. St. Mary's – St. Mary's might be the best college team on the West Coast. Unfortunately, it's not the 1960s and John Wooden is dead. They win the Shiniest Turd Award.

10. Purdue – Purdue's best player, Robbie Hummel, has had 37 knee operations. As of when this was written. Refresh the page for an update.

2. Kansas – Kansas has a talented team that is picked to go a long way. That will surely pan out for them. Just like always.

15. Detroit – Going 22-13 in the mighty Horizon League might seem impressive, but only if you've not heard of the Horizon League before and then make the mistake of assuming it's good.