Why All of Your NCAA Tournament Picks SUCK

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EAST

1. Syracuse – Jim Boeheim has been at Syracuse for 37 years and has one national title. So unless a once-in-a-generation college player like Carmelo Anthony shows up on campus for one year — [checks Syracuse's roster; nope, doesn't see such a player] — Boeheim's team is going nowhere. And if you disagree, you've clearly been dipping into Syracuse's drug supply.

16. UNC-Asheville – A 16-seed who plays in a town that sounds like "Assville." There's really no need to do further research.

8. Kansas State – Frank Martin loves screaming at his players for messing up. He must love this team for all the opportunities they give him to do that.

9. Southern Miss – Southern Miss hasn't been in the NCAA Tournament since 1991. All good programs have 21-year droughts now and again, right?

5. Vanderbilt – The Commodores won the SEC Tournament in a big upset. Why was it a big upset? Because Vanderbilt is not good.

12. Harvard – For being smart, they're really good at basketball. Unfortunately, I.Q. points aren't added to a team's actual points on the scoreboard. Sorry, nerds.

4. Wisconsin – Wisconsin can't score. In fact, the Badgers are 263rd in the nation in scoring. In fairness, however, they do lead the nation in being unwatchable.

13. Montana – What do you think of when you think of Montana? I don't know. I never think of Montana. But if forced to due to some sort of cruel torture regimen, I definitely wouldn't think of basketball.

6. Cincinnati – Cincinnati scored 14 points in the first half of the Big East title game. Fourteen. And, yes, they showed up to the game on time, not with five minutes left in the half.

11. Texas – Rick Barnes has John Calipari's postseason coaching prowess mixed with half the talent. It's quite a lethal combination. To Texas.

3. Florida State – Florida State is peaking at the right time, as long as you consider last weekend to be the right time.

14. St. Bonaventure – Saint Bonaventure is the patron saint of bowel disorders. Really. Look it up. So if/when St. Bonaventure craps their pants and/or takes a dump all over your bracket, you'll know who to pray to.

7. Gonzaga – Remember when porn-stached, future historic NBA bust Adam Morrison was weeping and rolling around on the court a few years ago in the final seconds of a game? That was the best team in Gonzaga history. Sooooooo … yeah.

10. West Virginia – Hey, if you're looking to ride a 13-loss college basketball team, these Mountaineers are definitely a solid pick.

2. Ohio State – The Buckeyes are led by Jared Sullinger, a talent so amazing he will one day become a large body off the bench for an NBA team. BEHOLD HIS GREATNESS!

15. Loyola (MD) – It's a general rule of thumb that if a school has a parenthesis in its name, it's not worth remembering. Miami (OH), for example. But this Loyola team is actually very good. (Not really.)

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