1. Michigan State Congratulations on winning the Big Ten Tournament championship! You are the swiftest turtle!
16. LIU-Brooklyn A good way for Brooklyn to keep its hipster cred is by not getting noticed by the mainstream. Shouldn't be a problem.
8. Memphis Memphis: Choice 17b-4 in the Big East's expansion program. They must be very proud.
9. St. Louis It's hard to understand why St. Louis doesn't have an NBA team. Also, why do they barely have a college basketball team?
5. New Mexico Head coach Steve Alford sports the same hairdo he had in 1987. Can't really blame him. His life peaked then. Now he's just a retread coach for a college basketball afterthought.
12. Long Beach State "Compton and Long Beach together / now you know you're in trouble." But Long Beach all alone? Complete turd sandwich. That's clearly spelled out in the second verse.
4. Louisville Good players are not walking through that door. The only thing walking through that door is another forgettable Rick Pitino Louisville team.
13. Davidson Davidson has eight freshmen and sophomores on their roster. So they're very young and inexperienced and play in a bad conference. Well, yeah, they'll no doubt cut right through the bracket like a hot knife through something that a hot knife would never ever cut through. Let's go with reinforced steel.
6. Murray State Murray State has the best record in the nation at 30-1. WOW! Now let's recap all of the good teams they've beaten. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd we're done. But but but but what about beating Memphis and St. Mary's? My god. You're hopeless.
11. Colorado State Colorado State has three players who are 6-foot-10 or taller. Impressive, except if those three players were any good at basketball, they wouldn't have gone to Colorado State.
3. Marquette Fun Fact: No team in NCAA Tournament history has reached the Final Four with a head coach who looks like a serial killer.
14. BYU/Iona BYU no longer has Jimmer Fredette. Iona no longer has uhh they've never had anyone good. To this day. Especially now.
7. Florida It was only five years ago that Florida won back-to-back national championships. Yet it feels like a lifetime ago. And even more than that if you have the misfortune of watching Florida play.
10. Virginia In fairness, it's a decent basketball team for a bunch of guys who probably got cut from Virginia's lacrosse team.
2. Missouri Missouri lost twice this season to Kansas State. You know, heavy national title favorite Kansas State.
15. Norfolk State An anagram for "Norfolk State": LOOK. TEN FARTS. That's all the basketball analysis you need.