Why All of Your NCAA Tournament Picks SUCK

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1. Michigan State – Congratulations on winning the Big Ten Tournament championship! You are the swiftest turtle!

16. LIU-Brooklyn – A good way for Brooklyn to keep its hipster cred is by not getting noticed by the mainstream. Shouldn't be a problem.

8. Memphis – Memphis: Choice 17b-4 in the Big East's expansion program. They must be very proud.

9. St. Louis – It's hard to understand why St. Louis doesn't have an NBA team. Also, why do they barely have a college basketball team?

5. New Mexico – Head coach Steve Alford sports the same hairdo he had in 1987. Can't really blame him. His life peaked then. Now he's just a retread coach for a college basketball afterthought.

12. Long Beach State – "Compton and Long Beach together / now you know you're in trouble." But Long Beach all alone? Complete turd sandwich. That's clearly spelled out in the second verse.

4. Louisville – Good players are not walking through that door. The only thing walking through that door is another forgettable Rick Pitino Louisville team.

13. Davidson – Davidson has eight freshmen and sophomores on their roster. So they're very young and inexperienced and play in a bad conference. Well, yeah, they'll no doubt cut right through the bracket like a hot knife through something that a hot knife would never ever cut through. Let's go with reinforced steel.

6. Murray State – Murray State has the best record in the nation at 30-1. WOW! Now let's recap all of the good teams they've beaten. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd … we're done. But but but but what about beating Memphis and St. Mary's? My god. You're hopeless.

11. Colorado State – Colorado State has three players who are 6-foot-10 or taller. Impressive, except if those three players were any good at basketball, they wouldn't have gone to Colorado State.

3. Marquette – Fun Fact: No team in NCAA Tournament history has reached the Final Four with a head coach who looks like a serial killer.

14. BYU/IonaBYU no longer has Jimmer Fredette. Iona no longer has … uhh … they've never had anyone good. To this day. Especially now.

7. Florida – It was only five years ago that Florida won back-to-back national championships. Yet it feels like a lifetime ago. And even more than that if you have the misfortune of watching Florida play.

10. Virginia – In fairness, it's a decent basketball team for a bunch of guys who probably got cut from Virginia's lacrosse team.

2. Missouri – Missouri lost twice this season to Kansas State. You know, heavy national title favorite Kansas State.

15. Norfolk State – An anagram for "Norfolk State": LOOK. TEN FARTS. That's all the basketball analysis you need.