Why All of Your NCAA Tournament Picks SUCK

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1. Kentucky – Yes, they have the most talent. John Calipari's teams always have national title-quality talent. The problem is that they're coached by John Calipari. Yet you're still going to walk right into this one again and pick his team to win it all? Really? Wow. Did you ever hear the quote about how the definition of "insanity" is: "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"? Of course you haven't heard that. Because you are a moron. And insane.

16. Mississippi Valley State/Western Kentucky – Regional universities within two of our nation's poorest states. Oh, yeah. Those guys are probably a real force to be reckoned with, both on the court and in the classroom.

8. Iowa State – It seems like Cyclones fans storm the court after almost every victory. That proves even their own fans don't expect them to win.

9. UConn – Remember how UConn surprised a lot of people by winning it all last year? It would be even more surprising if they won it all this year, what with the fact that they suck ass.

5. Wichita State – A 5-seed always loses in the 1st Round. Wichita State never advances far in the NCAA Tournament. You can probably figure out how this one ends.

12. VCUVCU's run last year was amazing. It's not going to happen again. Sequels are always worse. 2012 VCU is the "Speed 2" of college basketball teams.

4. Indiana – It's Indiana's return to glory! … if a "return to glory" means getting a 4-seed in a down year for college basketball. Indiana? Sorry, you're still crap.

13. New Mexico State – New Mexico State is the second-best basketball team in New Mexico. I forget – is the state of New Mexico seen as the cradle of basketball greatness? No. No, it is not.

6. UNLVUNLV won only one national championship when they openly cheated. They don't cheat anymore. At least not that we know of. And if they are, they're clearly doing it wrong.

11. Colorado – They play in the Pac-12. That means at least two of their starters have prosthetic limbs. Next.

3. Baylor – Wow. They sure do have bright and fancy uniforms. They're not trying to distract us from the fact that they have a massively flawed team by any chance, are they? Because that's what I would do if my team was going to flame out early in the NCAA Tournament. "Yes, we lost. But how about those eye-catching uniforms?! They'll sure help us recruit players who are better than the shit cans we have now."

14. South Dakota State – Is this a real school? Is South Dakota even a real state? So many things to investigate here if anyone cared even the slightest bit.

7. Notre Dame – Wow. God is on their side and they're still mediocre year after year after year. It's almost impressive. It's not impressive. But almost.

10. Xavier – Not only is Xavier not that good at basketball, but the team is full of players no one wants to root for. They're the whole package!

2. Duke – Duke has won one national championship in the last 10 years. They're not the power everyone thinks they are. And this year's team can't rebound and is short on talent. Duke is going to get eliminated early in the tournament. But it's no problem. Their dads will just buy them replica trophies.

15. Lehigh – They wear brown uniforms. At least they have the courage to dress in the color of what they are.