Why All of Your Fantasy Baseball Picks SUCK

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Matt Kemp – Matt Kemp's spring training numbers: 52 at-bats, 21 strikeouts, one walk. No cause for alarm there. That's a guy you want to take No. 1 overall in your draft with ZERO RESERVATIONS.

Ryan Braun – No Prince Fielder providing help in the lineup, no "evil urine sample transporter with some sort of unexplained vendetta against Ryan Braun to ruin his life." Yeah, you might expect a sliiiiiiiight dip in Braun's numbers this season.

Justin Upton – Remember when B.J. Upton was in his mid 20s and supposedly about to explode into elite megastardom? Yeah, me too. But don't worry. Justin Upton only has the exact same genes as B.J. Upton.


Carlos Santana – Sure, he struck out 133 times last season and hit .239, but he's still the hot, young catcher in baseball. Just like Buster Posey was last year. But don't worry. Nothing bad like that ever happens to Cleveland athletes.

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*Mike Napoli* – He's 30, has had one good season out of six, and keeps himself in the kind of shape that would get him disgusted looks on a slow-pitch softball team. What's not to love?

Brian McCann – He's pretty much a lock for 20 home runs, 70 RBI and a .270 batting average every year. And that wraps it up! No one can beat your fantasy team now! You won your league! Congratulations!


Craig Kimbrel – Wow. Putting up 127 strikeouts in 77 innings is crazy impressive. The hum of his fastball is so loud that you can't even hear his elbow ligaments fraying. Sort of a blessing and a curse, I guess.

Mariano Rivera – You could go with Mariano Rivera. Or maybe you could look into one of the major league closers under the age of 42.

Jonathan Papelbon – This guy is kind of a dick. Need more analysis? Fine. Papelbon is a fly-ball pitcher. He now pitches in a Little League stadium. See the problem there? Great. But don't forget the first point.