Why All of Your Fantasy Baseball Picks SUCK

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2B

Robinson Cano – Cano has played 159 or more games and had 597 or more at-bats in five consecutive seasons. He also turns 30 this year. The wear and tear is about to catch up to him. In fact, if you're looking for the next Yankee to have his foot snap off at a kiddie bounce house, Cano is your man.

Ian Kinsler – So he hasn't hit above .255 two of the past three seasons? That's good for a high pick, right? Yeah, you couldn't have gotten a second baseman to do that for you much later in the draft. Good pick.

Dustin Pedroia – Here's the downside with scrappy midgets who dive all over the field: their career windows aren't open for very long. Eventually playing with the big boys wears them down and suddenly they're piecing together .247-8-45 seasons. The risk is even greater with Pedroia because chances are someone will eventually just beat him to death with a bat for being so annoying.

3B

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*Jose Bautista* – In 2010, the year Jose Bautista turned 30, he miraculously transformed from a complete turd of a baseball player to the greatest slugger in all the land. That's quite common throughout baseball history. No need for you to fear that you'll lose Bautista for 50 games any day now. Nope. No way that will happen.

Evan Longoria – Evan Longoria hit .244 last season — a whopping 50 point drop-off from the year before. He also saw massive drops in steals and doubles. Hey, some players peak at the beginning of their careers, not the middle. No shame in that. By the way, if you like Longoria, totally look into getting Jeff Francoeur and Dontrelle Willis, too!

Adrian Beltre – If there's one thing we know about Adrian Beltre, it's that he's maddeningly inconsistent from year to year. "No! He's had two good seasons in a row now!" Oh, yes. Good point. The last two seasons completely cancel out the previous 12. You must have aced your Statistics class in college.

SS

Troy Tulowitzki – Tulowitzi has missed between 19 and 51 games in three of the last four seasons. And that was when he was supposedly young and healthy. Unless he's Benjamin Button, he will get older and more injury-prone every year. On the plus side, he will look pretty intimidating sitting in your Disabled List slot.

Hanley Ramirez – Intangibles aren't a measured fantasy stat, but players who actually try tend to put up better fantasy numbers. I checked.

Jose Reyes – Heh. See Hanley Ramirez. Actually, take a nap first. Then, if you feel up to it, see Hanley Ramirez.

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