15 Standard Spring Training Storylines and What They Really Mean

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1. "We have some great position battles going on."

Translation: "We completely struck out in free agency."

2. "A platoon is a viable option at that position."

Translation: "We have two players at that position who can't hit worth a crap against half the pitchers in baseball. But they hit from opposite sides of the plate, so we're not completely screwed."

3. "We think he provides a veteran presence and is primed for a bounce-back year."

Translation: "This guy was washed up two years ago, but he was cheap and we sadly have no better options."

4. "He came to spring training in great shape."

Translation: "Last year he was 40 pounds overweight, but now he's closer to an ideal weight — which is a nice change since he is a professional athlete and we pay him millions of dollars a year to perform physically and not be a big, lazy fatass."

5. "We fully expect him to be in game shape by Opening Day."

Translation: "Yes, it appears he spent the offseason eating pancakes, but this is baseball; a month of light jogging will easily get him fit enough to play this sport."

6. "He's ready to prove to the doubters what kind of player he really is."

Translation: "Hey, steroids weren't the only reason he's had a great career. I mean, they were a big help. A huge help. But, you know … he still had to make contact."

7. "We actually feel that all of our starting pitchers could be No. 1 starters."

Translation: "All of our starters are considered No. 5 starters outside of this clubhouse."

8. "There are several bullpen jobs open for whoever steps up and takes them."

Translation: "Our bullpen is really going to suck this year."

9. "We're planning to put a lot of pressure on the opposing defense by making plays on the basepaths."

Translation: "We have, like, zero power in our lineup."

10. "We are really excited to see how all of these young players perform."

Translation: "We are rebuilding."

11. "He is working on cutting down his strikeouts."

Translation: "He is working on actually hitting the ball."

12. "He's a gamer. He's the kind of player that wins you ball games with his intangibles."

Translation: "I am very old."

13. "You have to remember that the games don't matter until April."

Translation: "No, I don't know why we haven't won a game in spring training and it pisses me off even more when you ask about it."

14. "No team is perfect, but we like the team we have."

Translation: "At least we're not the Mets."

15. "We're planning to surprise some people this year."

Translation: "We're really going to suck again this year."