The 10 Players at Every NFL Combine

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1. The Big, Disgusting Fatty

Half man, half Quadruple D breasts, he decided to show up to the NFL Combine in the worst shape of his life. For some reason, to the disgust of us all, the combine directors make him take his shirt off. Probably because the shirt he was wearing was covered in hoagie sauce.

How his career will end up: Wildly successful. After everyone stops retching over the sight of his naked torso, they'll remember that being morbidly obese is kind of a prerequisite for playing a lineman position in the NFL.

2. The Unexpectedly Slow Guy

All was going well for him. He had a great college football career. Won awards. Was respected by his teammates and coaches. Was thought to be an early round pick. But then … oh, god, it's almost too horrible to say … but then … his 40 time was 0.03 seconds slower than what is considered ideal for his position. You should go kill yourself, fella.

How his career will end up: After plummeting down the draft, he will be some team's mid-round "value pick" and — shock of all shocks — turn into a very solid professional football player. Although, there will be that one tackle he'll miss in Week 7 of his sixth season that was probably due to him being 0.03 seconds too slow.

3. The Speed Burner

No one ever heard of this guy. Overlooked by most in college because he wasn't so good with catching or route-running (or pass coverage or tackling) or discipline or character or really anything that makes a good football player. Then he lined up to run the 40 at the NFL Combine and — in a blistering 4.2 seconds — became a future Hall of Famer.

How his career will end up: Out of football after a few years with the Raiders.

4. The Combine Superstar

This guy's Vertical Jump and Bench Press and Broad Jump will leaves scouts' mouths agape. What a specimen! What an athlete! This guy is God's perfect football creation!

How his career will end up: After four disappointing years on a roster before the coaches give up teaching him how to play football, he will become a personal trainer.

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5. The "Character Issues" Guy

The NFL Combine measurables are the same for everyone: height and weight, the six physical tests — 40, bench, vertical jump, broad jump, shuttle run, and 3-cone drill — and the Wonderlic. The same for everyone but this guy, that is. Because no one will care so much about how he performs — they're looking at the way he performs.

Did he seem to give his all in that 3-cone drill?

Did he make eye contact with the man checking his height?

How did he react to hearing his 40 time?

Did his broad jump show heart?

The "Character Issues" Guy's job at the Combine is to take a bullshit exam with no right answers.

How his career will end up: Wildly successful. Turns out that if you can perform well on the football field, absolutely no one cares if you do some genocide in your spare time.

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