Forrest Gump, the naive, slow-witted, Southern simpleton and starting quarterback of the New York Giants, has accomplished another remarkable feat by winning his second Super Bowl.
"He may not seem like the brightest bulb, but there's a goodness to him," said Giants head coach Tom Coughlin. "And I love him for it. I wish more people were as quote-unquote 'dumb' as he is. The world would be a better place."
Gump was a star football player in the SEC, a war hero, a shrimp fishing company executive and has met two presidents. He also remarkably didn't get AIDS from his whorish longtime love, Jenny. Now he joins a select company of NFL quarterbacks who have won two Super Bowl titles.
"I can't believe we lost twice in the Super Bowl to a goddam retard," said Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.
But it's mean-spirited comments like Belichick's that Gump has let roll off his shoulders, or were simply not heard by his doltish brain, throughout his life.
"My mama Olivia always says: 'Life is like a box of chocolates,'" Gump said on the podium after being named MVP. "I hope this trophy is made of chocolate," he added and then attempted to take a bite, breaking a tooth.
With a talented veteran roster that has won two of the past four Super Bowls, the Giants hope Gump will be back next year to try to repeat. But they never know where their quarterback's remarkable life will take him next.
"You never know with Forrest," says his longtime friend Lieutenant Dan. "His life is like a feather on the wind."
Gump is reportedly considering an offer to mow the grass at a nearby high school for free.