NASCAR to Investigate Why There Aren’t Awesome Explosions on Every Lap

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NASCAR president Mike Helton promised a full and comprehensive study into the lack of "amazing, kick-ass explosions" on every lap of the circuit's races after a safety truck full of jet fuel ignited at the Daytona 500 upon being slammed into by Juan Pablo Montoya's car.

"I'm not breaking any news here that seeing a truck explode was totally f—kin' awesome," Helton said in a post-race press conference. "The question is, why is something so goddam great only happening once in our biggest race? It should be happening on every lap, every turn."

Helton said he hears the demands of NASCAR's casual fans — "They want to see shit blow up, and we're gonna give it to 'em."

NASCAR's television ratings, ticket sales and sponsorship dollars have plummeted in recent years and Helton is looking to strike quickly on the popular explosions idea.

"I'm just spitballing here, but maybe each race we have a few unmanned car drones that just explode randomly," he said. "Or maybe all of our cars run on jet fuel. Or, instead of jet fuel, our safety trucks carry around a nuclear device. Can you imagine the buzz we'd get from a mushroom cloud? We'd be on the front cover of every paper in America."

The circuit is also reportedly considering placing land mines throughout its tracks.

"Also, we have to do away with the caution flag," says Helton. "If we're going to have constant explosions, we can't have our cars going 40 mph all the time. No, the new rule is: 'You see flames a story or more high? You bury the needle or you're disqualified.'"

Even if NASCAR drivers don't approve of the new measures for safety reasons, Helton is confident the circuit can deliver more explosions for its fans.

"We have Danica Patrick full-time now," he said. "She's good for at least one massive wreck a week, and two if she drives Nationwide on Saturday night. That's better than nothing."

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