Under Armour Unveils Line of Prom Dresses

The sports apparel company Under Armour announced that it is releasing a collection of "prom performance attire" this coming spring.

The collection includes six tight-fitting, breathable gowns designed for athletic females — a demographic, according to the company, that believes competition and elegance should coexist.

The dresses were unveiled Wednesday morning at a press conference, where six heavily muscled women sported the dresses and stood in traditional prom poses, their fibrous arms holding punching bags instead of dates. The women stood under a sign that read, THIS YEAR, PROMINATE YOUR DATE, and proceeded to demonstrate a cardio-intense interpretation of a slow dance that culminated with the women body slamming tuxedoed mannequins through fluorescent lamps.

"Not every girl is into the dainty, powerless look you see in most prom dresses," said company CEO Kevin Plank. "We understand this, which is why we wanted to make a line of dresses that are as fierce, tough, and vaguely androgynous as the girls wearing them."

The dresses, available in six "chic but intimidating" colors, are made of the same moisture-wicking, fast-dry material found in most of the company's other products, and feature mesh ventilation panels along the ribs, "adrenaline ducts" on the lower back to release heat generated by rhythmic gyrations, and a sharply-contoured corsage that also functions as a tourniquet.

"Every girl wants to be the belle of the ball," said Plank. "So why not take the ball by its balls with Under Armour prom performance attire?"