Penn State’s Telemarketing-Based Coaching Search

Phone rings.

Me: Hello? 6a61ddaa168e13451310dcfaae511aa4

Caller: Hello. May I speak to the man or woman of the house?
Me: This is he.
Caller: Hi. This acting Penn State athletic director David Joyner and I'd like to talk to you about a great opportunity.
Me: I don't know. Can you call back some other time? I'm getting ready for dinner.
Caller: I will only take a minute of your time. I promise.
Me: Sure. Fine. Go ahead.
Caller: I am calling to offer you the position of head football coach at Penn State.
Me: Hmmm. No thanks.
Caller: It's a very prestigious program.
Me: I'm sure it is. I'm just not interested right now. I already have a job. How did you get my number?
Caller: We're just going through the phone book and calling every number.
Me: Shouldn't you be contacting coaches? I'm not a coach.
Caller: We tried that. It didn't go very … well, now we're expanding the opportunity to the general public. Can I tell you more about it? Our stadium seats nearly 110,000, we routinely make bowl games and we can pay your more than $1 million!
Me: Hmm. Well, it's definitely interesting. Can you call me back later this week sometime? I'd like some time to think about it.
Caller: I'd really like to get you to say 'yes' today. It's recruiting season and we'd need you to get out there right away. We only have one recruit right now.
Me: See, it's that fine print. That's where you get people. Recruiting, upcoming lawsuits, NCAA sanctions. I don't know what I'd be getting myself into. It's like my last cell phone. They were really vague on data charges and then my first bill came and I owed $338 from texting.
Caller: The position would include a cell phone plan.
Me: No thanks. Not interested.
Caller: Okay. I'm sorry to hear that. Is your wife or girlfriend available?
Me: [away from the receiver] Hey, honey! Some guy is calling about being Penn State's head football coach!
Female voice: [background] Gross. No. Tell him I'm not interested.
Me: She's not interested.
Caller: Okay. Thanks for your time.
Phone is hung up.