Penn State has hired a new football coach, ending a nationwide search for someone who is totally not, to the best of their knowledge, a pedophile.
"It was important to us that we got this right," said Penn State president Rodney Erickson. "There was intense pressure on us to not hire a disgusting human being, as was there a desire internally to do the same. We are confident our new coach is not a psychopath or pervert in any way."
Longtime head coach Joe Paterno was fired in November in the wake of child sexual abuse charges against his former defensive coordinator, Jerry Sandusky. The University has been scrambling since then to repair its image and assure fans and the local community that it will try its best to not employ, associate itself closely with, or cover for pedophiles.
A Penn State search committee has been pouring over candidates for weeks and is satisfied the new coach is not loathsome to his very core.
"We don't have another Jerry Sandusky here. I am fairly confident saying that," said acting athletic director David Joyner. "We asked this guy almost every possible way if he was a pervert or if he was attracted to kids. He said no every time. Not once did he pause or clarify his answer or make anyone retch like Sandusky did during his Costas interview. It gave us a good feeling."
Penn State officials are also pleased that their new coach has some football experience.
"He coached the Patriots or something?" said Erickson. "They're pretty good, right? Yeah, the fact that he apparently knows some stuff about football is just icing."
Penn State is expected to introduce their new coach at a press conference very soon.
"We made sure that he's not going to wear a trench coat or rain coat or anything like that," said Joyner. "And he doesn't even have a mustache. I think he's really going to excite the fanbase and help this university move forward. We are … Penn State. We are … not the first thing everyone will associate with child sexual abuse anymore eventually. Hopefully."