Packers Stock Plummets to All-Time Low of $0.46 a Share

Roger Goodell
Green Bay Packers stock suffered a major sell-off today following the team's humiliating, 37-20 exit from the playoffs at the hands of the New York Giants.

Packers stock had recently been selling for as much as $250 a share as investors were flocking to get in on the 15-1 Super Bowl favorite with the high-powered offense, but now shares can be had for 46 cents — a development that has rocked the Green Bay Stock Exchange (GBSE).

"This is a huge blow to the Green Bay economy," said Wisconsin stock analyst Roger Jurgensen. "Not only will the Packers' defeat steal an additional week of bar, hotel and restaurant traffic from the town, as well as merchandise sales, but the repercussions are being felt throughout the market, too. You have to realize that Packers stock is all that's traded on the GBSE floor other than cheese futures."

It is hoped that cheese investors will stabilize the Green Bay market while Packers stock bottoms out.

"People here eat a ton of extremely unhealthy, cheese-covered foods," said Dale Lundqvist, considered the Warren Buffett of local dairy investing. "And people like to eat even more unhealthy, cheese-covered foods when they're depressed. The Packers depressed the hell out of people," he added, squeezing a tube of nacho cheese into his mouth and continuing on talking unintelligibly.

Rumors of insider trading have swirled since the market opened this morning of Green Bay receivers shorting Packers stock on Friday and then going out and dropping passes all over the field on Sunday.

"I hope it's not true," said one despondent Packers fan. "But it sure seems suspicious. If any of those guys buy a brand new tractor today, we'll know something was up."

Advertisement