In a secret typewritten letter smuggled out of the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea, former Major League Baseball pitcher Chan Ho Park expressed terror and confusion over how he had suddenly become the supreme leader of the mysterious and oppressive nation.
"Three weeks ago I was out flying my kite in a park, when all of a sudden three strong men threw me into a van and knocked me unconscious," Park wrote in the letter. "When I awoke, I was dressed as a military commander and was being goaded to kiss the waxy corpse fingers of Kim Jong-il."
After leaving the United States after the 2010 season, Park gained some 70 pounds due to a diet heavy in saturated fats and taffy. His appearance closely resembles that of Kim Jong-il's youngest son, Kim Jong-un, who was reported by official State media to be his father's successor.
Park's letter describes a bizarre arrangement where he is alternately praised and threatened by his attendants, who fear his supreme authority but must also intimidate him into maintaining the charade. In one instance, Park was made to select a wife from a crowd of hundreds of weeping women, all of whom were dressed as Tommy Lasorda. In another, he was forced to make a threatening phone call to the U.N., where he said he'd leak naked pictures of the delegation if they didn't ship a million tons of rice to North Korea by the end of the day.
While Park offered no guesses as to the whereabouts of the real Kim Jong-un, he seemed optimistic that he would one day be freed from his command.
"They are putting a cow heart into Kim Jong-il's body right now so that maybe he will resurrect," Park wrote. "Once he is alive again, I think I'll be able to go home."