Alabama head coach Nick Saban scheduled a 6:00 a.m. celebration today for his team so they could enjoy their BCS championship before offseason workouts were to begin promptly at 6:08 a.m.
"Attendance is mandatory," Saban informed his team at a 10:30 meeting last night to inform them of the celebration. "As is having fun and making merriment. There will be no exceptions. If you don't celebrate, if I don't see a goddam smile on your face, you will run."
Saban, who has vowed to enjoy his second BCS championship at Alabama, even went as far as to allow decorations for the locker room party. A white roll of athletic tape was hung from the ceiling beside a red roll of tape and below on the floor sat a folding chair with a small bag of pretzels Saban personally purchased from the vending machine down the hall.
"Line up, men. Now, there aren't enough pretzels for everyone," Saban told his assembled team this morning. "So just break off a tiny piece for yourself. Then you may speak to the teammate to your immediate left at your leisure. But no laughing. I hate laughing. We're not throwing all the rules out the window just because we won two goddam titles. Don't push me. I won't break, but I will break you."
At 6:04, less than a minute after the pretzel crumbs had been distributed, Saban began winding the party down.
"Okay, wrap it up," he said. "You need to be in the weight room at 6:08, so you better all be dressed appropriately and ready to go. I don't want to hear anyone saying they can't workout because they just ate. Don't make me regret this. You shits haven't accomplished anything in the last 24 hours."
The Alabama coach then signaled the end of the party by blowing one time into a noisemaker, which he promptly snapped in half and threw in the trash.
"Let's go! Enjoyment of things is over! To work!" he yelled. "And no goddam smiling!"