Detroit Tigers’ Team Nutritionist Resigns

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David Restovich resigned today as the team nutritionist of the Detroit Tigers, a position he had held with the team for 17 years.

"I don't have another job lined up. I don't know what I'm going to do, to tell you the truth," said Restovich, a married father of five. "But I obviously couldn't stay here where my expertise would not be used or appreciated."

The nutritionist's resignation comes less than 24 hours after the Tigers signed Prince Fielder, adding him to a portly roster that includes Miguel Cabrera, Jose Valverde and Gerald Laird.

"A nutritionist for the Tigers in 2012 is no different than being a Conestoga wagon salesman in 2012," said Restovich. "In fact, it's probably worse. The Tigers could actually use Conestoga wagons to haul all of their fat-ass players onto the field each inning."

Tigers general manager Dave Dombrowski wished Restovich well but says he wasn't surprised to receive his resignation.

"Even before this team went from pleasantly plump to morbidly obese, it was kind of absurd for us to have a nutritionist," said Dombrowski. "Our team owner founded Little Caesars pizza. Free, all-you-can-eat pizza is all around us. All a nutritionist for this team can really do is go around to guys in the locker room and say: 'Hey, maybe don't drink more than 12 garlic butter containers between innings' or 'don't run the bases with your mouth full.' I doubt that is even close to what he hoped his career would be like when he got into this field."