Subway announced today that the sandwich chain is set to release a new sub made with human flesh, named the "Soylent Club", which will be marketed exclusively with Subway spokesman and ultra-violent Detroit Lions star Ndamukong Suh.
The basic sandwich will include provolone cheese, lettuce and tomato, topped with a generous portion of human flesh. Next on the sandwich is a secret sauce, which appears to be blood and ground-up human entrails with a pinch of oregano.
"It's not a typical club sandwich, as there's no bacon, mayonnaise or toast," said Subway spokesman Jeff Tillway. "But it is a club sandwich in that Ndamukong beat to death all of the people whose meat we're using with a club. I've never seen an athlete get more involved or enjoy working with us more than Ndamukong did. Once the blood started flying, he just kept laughing harder and harder."
Subway's spokesman admits that Suh's many recent on-the-field and off-the-field incidents forced an internal discussion about whether the defensive lineman should be fired as a Subway spokesman. But it was decided that launching a new line of sandwich with Suh as the face would be the best course of action.
"The cannibal market is woefully underserved in American restaurants," said Tillway. "Plus, we're hopeful that when people eat at our establishments and get that weird Subway smell in their clothes, they'll just chalk it up to the human flesh. Because we honestly don't know what that stench comes from."
Suh will be appearing at various Subway restaurants around the country in the upcoming weeks with fresh kills to promote the Soylent Club.
"I would advise not to get too close to me or look at me wrong," he said. "Your meat is the freshest."