St. Louis Reports That Former Selfless Humanitarian Albert Pujols is a Big Asshole

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Longtime humble, hard-working, and charity-minded baseball superstar Albert Pujols is now pretty much the world's greediest asshole, claim many in St. Louis.

"What a dick," read a statement from the Cardinals in its entirety.

Pujols was drafted in the 13th Round of the 1999 Draft by the Cardinals and became a St. Louis fixture both on and off the field in 2001. He was known and loved in the community as much for his charity work as for his tape-measure home runs.

"F—k that guy," said St. Louis mayor Francis Slay.

Pujols on Thursday agreed to a 10-year, $254 million with the Anaheim Angels, ending his 11-year career with the Cardinals.

"I hope his plane explodes flying out there," said new Cardinals manager Mike Matheny.

Pujols' charity, the Pujols Family Foundation, has a mission "to honor God and strengthen families through our works, deeds and examples." The Foundation has been open since 2005 and has programs in St. Louis and the Dominican Republic. It is expected that the charity will now open operations in Los Angeles.

"His charity better think about treating burn victims because I'm going to torch the bitch," said Cardinals general manager John Mozeliak.

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