Dallas Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan revealed today that Rex Ryan is not his only brother and, in fact, he has a conjoined twin named Roger Ryan who is attached at his stomach.
"Roger is just a little guy, but we all love him a great deal," said Rob, pulling up his shirt to reveal a his twin protruding from his midsection. An identical brother with Rob and Rex Ryan, the Jets head coach, Roger has flowing gray hair and a goatee.
"How you f—kers doin' out there?" said Roger. "Any of you ladies ever done it with a conjoined?" he added before Rob pulled his shirt back down over Roger's body.
"I felt it was time to reveal the truth," said Rob. "People were asking me about the weird protuberance under my shirt, asking if I had some extreme tumor or even if I was pregnant. No, it's just Roger. And he's put some weight on lately. It's been a stressful season."
Rob also blamed Roger for some of the late-game calls that have seen the Cowboys defense collapse repeatedly in the fourth quarter of games.
"I just want to set the record straight, it's Roger who has been making those calls," said Rob, as muffled yells of "You f—king lie, you fat f—k!" came from under his shirt. "Yeah, Roger is pretty much a total moron. I have to stop listening to him," said Rob, punching at his stomach until Roger quieted.
Jets head coach Rex Ryan says he is glad the world finally knows about Roger Ryan.
"Being transparent with people makes life a whole lot easier," he said. "That's why I'd like to announce that I have a huge boil on my ass. Check it out. The right cheek," he added, dropping his pants. "Can someone lance it?"