The Texas Rangers won the negotiating rights to star Japanese pitcher Yu Darvish, paying $51.7 million to the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters. Now the Rangers eagerly wait to sign Darvish and see him in action.
"The Orient is a very magical place," said Rangers general manager Jon Daniels. "There are wonders there that which we have never seen in the West. Prepare to be amazed!"
Daniels went on to tell the tale of Darvish throwing a "gyroball."
"I have heard that spice traders in the region have seen it with their very own eyes," said Daniels. "They say its dips and dives defy the very laws of science, and that's it velocity has been known to break a bat in twain!"
Darvish's agents, Don Nomura and Arn Tellem, say creating a market for the 25 year-old right-hander was the easiest thing they've ever done.
"Major League Baseball general managers are morons," said Tellem. "You mention you've got a Japanese guy, you throw the word 'gyroball' out there and the offers start rolling in. It's the Daisuke Matsuzaka model, and it always works."
Tellem was referring to the Red Sox pitcher and Japanese import who drew a $51.1 million posting fee and signed a six-year, $52 million contract.
"Could Matsuzaka throw a gyroball? No. Is a gyroball even a thing? Nope," said Nomura. "But did it make Matsuzaka seem more alluring than what he really is: a chubby No. 4 starter? Definitely."
Darvish's best pitch is actually a standard curveball, but Tellem has decided to call it a "Samurai Arigato Roboto Super Pitch."
"I got the Rangers to up their offer by $8 mlllion by mentioning that term one time," he said. "Idiots."