Retired baseball slugger Barry Bonds was sentenced to 30 days house arrest on Friday by U.S. District Judge Susan Illston for giving misleading information to a grand jury. The sentence essentially brings to a close a case that the Justice Department spent 8 years and more than $55 million pursuing.
"A lot of hard work went into this," said lead investigator Jeff Novitzky. "But getting those 30 days of house arrest was completely worth all of the time and resources we used. I just wish the judge would have suspended Bonds' Netflix subscription for those 30 days. Then he would have really suffered."
In addition to having to stay at his 15,000-square feet, 2-acre Beverly Hills estate for 30 days, Bonds also received two years of probation and 250 hours of community service — although the entire sentence is delayed for appeal, which won't be heard for at least a year.
"I'm a competitor and I don't like admitting defeat, but they got me good," said Bonds after his sentencing. "For the next year or so, I have the prospect of possibly having to hang out at home at some point for 30 days hanging over me. It's going to spoil every movie I watch until then, because I'll be wondering if I should have waited to watch it until my house arrest."
The all-time home run record-holder said he has informed his personal chef and masseuse that he might need them to work overtime if his appeal is overturned. Bonds said the sentence will also likely force him to take up video games.
"I'm 47 years-old," he said. "I haven't played video games since Atari. It's going to be a steep learning curve. A humiliating learning curve. The feds really no how to kick a man when he's down."
With Bonds successfully punished for daring to cheat at sports, Novitzky said he already has his next target.
"I heard there's a Little League near Austin, Texas, that has let several 13 year-olds play in tournaments," he said. "That's blatant cheating! I have requested $75 million of taxpayer dollars to bring them to justice. It's in the best interests of the United States."