Derek Jeter = Kermit the Frog
He's not the biggest, he's not the smallest, he's not the most talented, his glory days are long past and he's kind of weird looking. But he's the leader and he's loved above all others thanks to a special something you can't define. What is the elusive magic rainbow connection if not intangibles?
Ndamukong Suh = Miss Piggy
They're both huge, they both have narcissistic tendencies, they both let their emotions get the best of them and they're both prone to violence. Derek Jeter is lucky that Ndamukong Suh is not attracted to him.
Brian Wilson = Fozzie Bear
Starved for attention? Check. Covered in hair? Check. Comedy attempts that make everyone groan? Check. The Muppets were gone for 30 years, now let it be Brian Wilson's turn to go away. Please.
Manu Ginobili = Gonzo
Gonzo has a hooked nose, a sparse sprig of hair on the top of his head and goes flying through the air as a human cannonball. Ginobili has a mangled nose, a sparse sprig of hair on the top of his head and goes flying through the air as a flopper.
Troy Polamalu = Animal
On the field, Troy Polamalu is nothing but a blur of action, limbs and hair. On the drums, Animal is nothing but a blur of action, limbs and hair.
Curtis Painter = Beaker
Beaker is a lab assistant with huge, bulbous eyes and ridiculous hair who is always getting blown up or set on fire. Curtis Painter is a backup quarterback with huge, bulbous eyes and ridiculous hair who is always getting sacked or throwing interceptions.
Joe Flacco = Sam the Eagle
Joe Flacco has a unibrow and the personality of something made from fabric and stuffing. Sam the Eagle has a unibrow and the personality of Joe Flacco, but probably a little more human.
Every Athlete on Twitter = Swedish Chef
What the? What are they saying? It's definitely not English. Whatever. Just laugh.