The 8 People Who Will Play in Your Family’s Turkey Day Football Game

The Little Kid

NA/EUNICE KENNEDY

It’s your nephew or your little cousin. And he’s the worst player on the field. He’s also the most valuable player on the field because the other side will be guilted into giving him a free touchdown or two so his little feelings don’t get hurt. You’ll want to lock him up with the first pick.

Position: WR/DL/in-the-way

The Injury-Prone Uncle

Once the teams are all settled up, the game begins. But it doesn’t officially begin until a play or two later when Uncle Jerry somehow snaps his femur running a crossing route at 3 miles per hour. Then you have to find two replacements — one for Uncle Jerry and one for the person rushing him to the hospital — before the game can begin again and for real.

Position: WR then fetal

The Guy Who Takes It Too Seriously

The game is supposed to be a fun activity to burn off some calories, but he’s treating the family Turkey Bowl like it’s the Super Bowl. Drop a pass and he’ll be on your ass. And you better not forget any of the two dozen plays or blitz schemes he’s drawn up. And don’t bother complaining when he drops Aunt Gladys with a clothesline. YOU DON‘T COME ACROSS THE MIDDLE IN MY BACKYARD, AUNT GLADYS!

Position: QB/CB who plays aggressive bump coverage

The Feisty Old Person

They grew up in the leather helmet era and are more than happy to show the young people how it’s done. He’ll loudly complain about The Injury-Prone Uncle, who is usually his son, being a wimp. He’ll also propose running the flying wedge and a fumblerooski. He is The Guy Who Takes It Too Seriously plus 35 years.

Position: FB/T

The Really Out-of-Shape Relative

From the opening play through to the merciful end, he’s bent over and wheezing on every play. And it’s only going to get worse for him after the game, when the whole family confronts him on his poor health and ballooning weight. “We want you to take care of yourself. If you don’t get in better shape, you won’t be around to play in these games in a few years.”

Position: lagging behind every play

The Athletic Female

Your cousin was always a good athlete and she still is even today. She can run, she can catch, she’s in great shape, she knows the rules to the game and she even has a few moves. You can’t help but be attracted to … ohmigod! You think your cousin is hot! Better drink that thought away at halftime.

Position: On her back with her legs … wait, no! It’s running back and safety. Running back and safety. Gah! What is wrong with you?!

The Drunk Guy

He had a few too many already, “But soour, I’ll playtuh show youse how itz done!” He’ll make some mistakes and miss a few plays to vomit, but the game will also turn on his amazing, acrobatic interception, which he attempted only because he was too drunk to realize he could have broken his neck.

Position: Right behind The Athletic Female, checking out that ass.

You

You don’t want to be the one who takes it too seriously, but it would still be nice to win. That’s why it was okay to separate the man from the ball on that last pass. You didn’t do anything outside the rules. Fair and square. And is that your 7 year-old niece in man-to-man coverage on your brother on the outside? Oh, yes. You’re throwing deep on this play. Let’s go after her. AH, SHUT UP, NANA! I KNOW THE GAME IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR FUN! IT IS FUN BECAUSE WE’RE KICKING YOUR ASSES.

Position: Whatever is fine. I’m just here to have fun. But quarterback would work.

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Also see … 

John Madden’s Thanksgiving Turducken Recipe

50 Sports Things I’m Thankful for This Thanksgiving

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