The SEC declared its independence from the United States today, saying its unprecedented hold of the top three spots in the BCS standings "proved to us we are great enough to survive and thrive as an independent nation."
"When in the Course of human events," reads the SEC's Declaration of Independence in its entirety, "it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of … okay. This is boring. Basically, we're awesome at football and the rest of you suck, okay? Get lost."
The new country is calling itself simply "SEC", the national anthem is repeated chanting of "S-E-C!", the currency is conference ticket stubs — SEC West ticket stubs serving as $20 bills and SEC East ticket stubs as $1 bills — and the primary export of the nation is speed.
President Obama called SEC commissioner Mike Slive in hopes of keeping the union together, but Slive only mocked him for "going to Occidental College, whose football team is so awful even the SEC wouldn't schedule them in a non-conference game."
Federal troops are being sent to SEC territory in hopes of putting down the secession, but they will face significant difficulties getting past the LSU and Alabama lines.
In addition to the many issues facing the new nation in regards to its longterm feasibility, including an economy based solely on college football memorabilia and recruiting websites, the SEC also has some territorial concerns — most notably with Texas, which contains only one SEC school in new member Texas A&M. But Slive says those are not concerns.
"College football drives the economic decisions of the NCAA," he said. "We imagine it must be the same in the rest of the world, too. And surely no one in China or India is even close to rivaling the intelligence and leadership abilities of our SEC coaches. As for Texas? Their governor assures me they've been looking for an excuse to secede for years and are happy to join in."
It is believed that President Obama will wait to focus the full might of the U.S. military on the SEC until the NCAA Tournament, when the nation will be at its weakest.