Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler said today that his "close, personal relationship with Satan, Prince of Darkness" is not something that should be open to ridicule by the fans, the media or opponents.
"I worship Satan. Everything I do and say is for Beelzebub," said Cutler. "I don't see why people think my personal beliefs are to be mocked. You wouldn't hear this about a player who was a Christian or a Muslim. But for some reason in this society, people think it's okay to look down on you for trying to live an evil life. It's wrong. I will feel no remorse when I kill them and eat their organs."
Cutler says he came upon Satanism the way anyone finds their true faith.
"The world is a horrible place, simultaneously full of misery and nothing," he said. "I am reminded of this every time I am sacked. And because life is a meaningless trek to death and eternal blackness, why would I pick one of those fairy religions that talk about love and crap?"
The quarterback says the scorn he receives for his beliefs is even more troubling because he is not overt about them.
"I can see why some people don't like Tim Tebow because he's so in your face about his faith," said Cutler. "But I'm not an evangelical Satanist. Have I tried to win a few teammates over with pregame sacrifices? Sure. From time to time. But I don't push anyone. I just try to live my life as miserable as possible and hope that darkness consumes those around me. And if not, well, they'll burn in hell alongside me one day anyway, so what does it matter?"