Free agent starter C.J. Wilson, the most sought after pitcher on the market, announced today that he has come to terms with his mortality following some extreme turbulence he experienced on a flight to Los Angeles.
"You get on a plane with the latest issue of 'Entertainment Weekly' and a sandwich from Au Bon Pain, you don't expect to confront life's biggest question," said Wilson. "But then the pilot tells you that there's some turbulence over Tempe."
"As soon as we got off the plane, he got all zen and existential on me," says Wilson's agent, Bob Garber. "He kept on talking about this conversation he had with angels and 'the man upstairs.' I knew it couldn't have been with [Angels owner] Arte Moreno, because C.J. hasn't had a cell phone since he broke his after hearing that CC Sabathia re-signed with the Yankees. Maybe all of Josh Hamilton's God stuff finally rubbed off on him. Or maybe he's on drugs."
Dave Campbell, Wilson's best friend, was also on-board the plane and said his friend is of a clear mind.
"The C-Man's been 'straight edge' for as long as I've known him, and I admire him for it," said Campbell. "That said, if I realized, after years of abstaining from all the fun stuff, that it was all going to end — and sooner, rather than later — I'd probably get my hands on something a little stronger than Powerade and sunflower seeds. I know I hit the plane's mini-bar pretty hard."
According to Wilson, years and figures have yet to be determined, but he could not be any more at peace with his decision.
"It's not like I'm looking forward to dying, I'm just not afraid of it anymore," he said. "It's something that happens to everyone, and if free agency has taught me one thing, it's don't fear the unknown. Because, unless I really mess up, it means something awesome — like having millions of dollars thrown at me, or not having to live in Dallas, Texas anymore. I mean, even if I die and there's a hell and that's where I go, it's not Dallas, right?"