David Stern to Admit He Hates Black People in Next Offer to Players Union

David Stern is hoping to end the NBA lockout and bridge the final gap between the owners and players by finally admitting that he hates black people.

"I've tried to cover it up for years, but what's the point?" said Stern. "I hate 'em. A lot in fact. The players' representatives are on to me. Now let's get the season started so I can watch them run around every night for money. It's the one joy of my life."

NBA union attorney David Kessler was the latest to imply racism this week when he said that the owners were treating the players "like plantation workers."

"It's an issue that the players union is struggling to get past, so I felt it was better to just admit it," said Stern. "You know, it actually feels really good to publicly admit for the first time that I'm a huge racist. Keeping my true self bottled up all these years isn't healthy. But now I want to yell it from the mountaintops: 'I HATE BLACK PEOPLE!'"

Kessler said he appreciated Stern's candor but isn't sure it is enough to end the lockout.

"It's good that he has finally admitted what's in his heart, and I know the black players appreciate hearing that from him, but it doesn't change the fact that we desire 53-percent of basketball-related income," said Kessler.

Stern was disappointed to hear the players' stance has not changed.

"Well, had I known it wouldn't change anything, I probably would have kept my hatred of black people to myself," said Stern. "But, hey, it's out there now. I just hope we can sit down at the table now and hammer this out, man-to-inferior-man."