A deranged Big East Conference is reportedly holding 12 programs hostage at gunpoint in its New York headquarters. Police are now arriving on the scene and witnesses have heard the conference yelling: "You're all going to sign up, or I'll be signing for you in your own blood!"
The names of the 12 schools inside are not all yet known, but it is said to be a mix of lower-tier FCS teams, a few FBS teams and an NAIA school, whose refusal to accept an invitation to the conference is what reportedly first threw the Big East into a rage.
"We're great at basketball!" the Big East has been heard screaming repeatedly. "Does no one care about basketball anymore? What is wrong with the world!"
In exchange for releasing its hostages, the Big East is demanding indefinite status as a BCS conference, two guaranteed BCS bowl games each year "and a promise that everyone will stop making fun of us."
Those close to the Big East say it has been going through a tough time for several years and that it all recently came to a head.
"Hey, I know how it is. I've been through a rough patch, too," said the Big 12. "I just think something snapped in the Big East's head. It's unfortunate. I think we all wish things could go back to how they were a few years ago."
While the Big 12 Conference showed support, other conferences did not and stood outside the Big East headquarters yelling at it.
"Shoot yourself! Shoot yourself in the head, Big East!" yelled the SEC, cackling. "Die! Die! Die! No one wants you around anyway!"
"East is least! West is best!" chanted the Pac-12.
Nearby, the ACC made out with Pitt, who recently separated from the Big East.
Police feel the situation will be defused very soon.
"We can see from here through the windows that all the Big East has is a water pistol," said Sgt. Jeff Decastro of the NYPD. "Wow. Idiots."