Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, easily the biggest piece of crap to ever take a snap from under center in professional football history, cannot be beaten.
"Wow, there is literally not a person in the world I would want to have as my quarterback any less than Tim Tebow," said Broncos head coach John Fox. "Including children and the crippled. Every snap he takes makes me wretch. But the guy is a winner."
With Tebow at the helm, the Broncos have gone from having one of the worst records in the NFL to being on the verge of first place with their unorthodox offense looking more inept with every game. Tebow has completed only 45-percent of his passes in his five starts and only 11 total passes in the last two games, yet the Broncos have the 5th-longest winning streak in the league.
"Every night I dream about cutting him," says Broncos vice president John Elway. "Not having to watch him play quarterback for my team would fill me with joy I have never experienced. But he won't stop winning. I'm helpless. There's no way to end his reign of terror winning."
Broncos receiver Eric Decker says that every play from scrimmage has become depressing.
"I used to like football," he said. "I dreamed of playing in the NFL and catching 80 to 100 passes a season as a respected star who contributes to his team. But because of Tebow I'm reduced to blocking and running decoy routes. I want to push him down a flight of stairs, but I just can't seem to stop myself from putting him on my shoulders and carrying him off the field after every victory."
Tebow says he is working hard every day to improve as a quarterback.
"Hey, I want to be the best player I can be," says Tebow. "And I work hard every day to get better. I want to make every play, connect on every pass. But I don't feel the need to look like the prototypical quarterback. A lot of guys look great on the field, but don't win — even though I really respect those guys and can learn a lot from them. Pardon my language."