Rollie Fingers Award for Lifelong Facial Hair
Given to the player whose choice of ridiculous facial hair for just one season has cursed him to wearing the same mustache/beard for his entire life because no one will recognize him at memorabilia shows or in commercials without it.
Recent winners include Brian Wilson and John Axford.
Brady Anderson Trophy
Awarded to the baseball player that everyone assumes is taking enough steroids to kill a large zoo animal. The trophy weighs 900 pounds and when the recipient lifts it above his head, the suspicions are confirmed.
Recent winners include Jose Bautista, Jose Bautista and Jose Bautista.
Derek Jeter Award for Superstar Intangibles
Given to a veteran player who is voted onto the All-Star Team despite the lack of any data supporting his status as a "star" player.
Recent winners include Derek Jeter and everyone on Joe Morgan's All-Star ballot.
Yuniesky Betancourt Troll-phy
Awarded to a starting position player whose existence enrages sabermetricians because they have reams of dating suggesting he is a worthless human being who should be executed for his WAR crimes.
This trophy has been thrown through a window at Yuniesky Betancourt's house several times.
Lance Berkman Award
Given to the major leaguer who looks the least like a professional athlete. The trophy comes with a year-long membership to the Pie of the Week Club.
With a dozen or more players on all 30 Major League teams eligible for the award each year, the winner is selected by drawing a name out of a hat.
Brian Cashman Trophy
This is given to a general manager who barely gets his team into the postseason despite a payroll near $200 million. It's more of a gag gift and is presented in a mocking manner.
Cashman has won the award every year since it was introduced in 2001, except in 2009 when it was won by Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein. In 2009 Cashman was awarded the slightly less mocking "Oh Wow, You Managed to Win a World Series with That Roster – Impressive! Award".
Ed Hardy Award
This is given to the player with the most Ed Hardy t-shirts.
In recent years this award has had many co-winners who tied thanks to all of them owning all of the Ed Hardy t-shirts ever made.
Most Bangable Wife Award
The MBWA goes to the player with the most bangable wife.
This award is voted on by the nominees for the Ed Hardy Award.
Best Baseball Player Award
This novel award is given to the best baseball player and doesn't have all the annoying debate of the MVP award, which each year causes baseball writers to pen countless "Are we voting for the best player or the player most valuable to his team?" columns.
Albert Pujols wins this award every year.