Description: He pretends he’s there just to help out and do whatever the head coach needs, but he really volunteered to push for his son to get more playing time from the inside.
Catchphrase: “Hey, Eric. Show coach that move I taught you last night in the living room.”
Description: The Parrot only makes $35/week, but he knows where his cheap bread is buttered — the head coach gave him his job and continued employment is up to the same head coach. So The Parrot goes out of his way to be in lock step with his boss. He repeats the coach, argues against the same calls, even dresses like him. The Parrot’s hero is the head coach, and his dignity can be had for a few hundred bucks and a free whistle.
Catchphrase: “[Whatever the head coach just said, only louder and pathetic.]“
Description: He might only be a lowly assistant on a JV basketball team, but that doesn’t stop him from hatching hundreds of play ideas each night at home. And maybe they’d work if he wasn’t trying to teach them to uncoordinated 14 year-olds with ADD.
Catchphrase: “No, in Step 12 you have to roll off the pick at exactly 37.4 degrees or the whole play falls apart.”
Description: He sees this job as the first rung of a ladder that will lead to college, the pros and then the Hall of Fame. He dresses and talks like a Jr. Pat Riley and he’ll actually do a pretty good job as an assistant coach — except for when he skips the biggest game of the year to interview for an assistant coach position at the local community college.
Catchphrase: “Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. I’m the future head coach of the Lakers.”
Description: The Motivator decided to use his nightly free time to scream at teenagers about sports. He’s a completely unbalanced asshole who everyone hates. The head coach would fire him, but he’s scared The Motivator would go on a shooting rampage.
Catchphrase: “I SAID RUN A HITCH, NOT A CURL, YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF SHIT! DIE, GODDAM YOU! DIE!”
Description: He seems to know nothing about the sport. He looks weird. He smells weird. He yells when he should be offering encouragement, and offers encouragement when he should be yelling. No one really knows if they’re supposed to take him seriously or if he’s on the staff as some sort of team mascot, perhaps a local who suffered a serious head injury and was given his job as charity.
Catchphrase: “Kick a touchdown to the left wing. I smell lemons.”
The Cool Guy
Description: He’s only a few years removed from high school and he’s more of a friend to the players than a coach. The players use him as a sounding board and the head coach uses The Cool Guy as a valuable liaison between himself and his team. The Cool Guy is an invaluable member of the staff, all the way up until he loses his job for smoking weed with the senior players and impregnating the team captain’s mom.
Catchphrase: “Do you know if your mom’s tits are real? I mean … great pass!”
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Also see … The 7 Kinds of Youth Sports Parents