You can't go wrong with Halloween candy. Except for candy corn. No one actually like candy corn — if they did, it would be eaten the other 11 months of the year. But for some reason, candy corn is a seasonal institution we can't get rid of, so you choke it down with all the good stuff. The BCS is the candy corn of sports, ruining all of our delicious college football.
No one hates Werther's Original Caramels, just as no one hates golf. But both can be a little bland and boring. And both are loved by old people.
First 10 seconds with Pop Rocks and Arena Football: "WOOOOOOOOOO! This is awesome! I love this! It's so exciting! This is the coolest thing ever! WOOOOOOOOO!"
After that: "You know, once the initial excitement wears off, you realize the quality kind of sucks. I don't think I'm going to do this again."
Candy cigarettes seem pretty badass to a kid, but it's still just candy. And MMA seems pretty badass to adults, but once it got regulated and people couldn't murder each other anymore, it became just another sport.
Every time a friend or family member travels to Europe, they return home with some fancy chocolate that "you have to try!" And, yeah, it's pretty good. But next time you're at the store and happen to pick up some candy, you're passing right by the Toblerone to your standby American milk chocolate. And you'll eat that milk chocolate while watching NFL Draft analysis the same day the World Cup Final is on.
Generic candy is marketed as just as good as the real thing. Okay, sure! I'll give it a try. AAAHH! GAHHHH! What the … a sugar plantation worker just took a dump in my mouth! (For the WNBA part, the dump is taken in your eyes.)
There's always one house every Halloween who gives out "healthy" treats. Why? Because they hate you.
There are also people who convince themselves to do triathlons. Why? Because they hate themselves.
What the? Did you get a deep fried Snickers bar at your county fair? Whoa. You have quite the death wish. You're so EXTREME!
You finish up. I'll go ahead and call the ambulance so it's here in time.