NCAA Football Conferences and Their High School Classmate Equivalents


SEC = Jocks

Description: They only care about sports. The only reason they attend any classes is to stay eligible to play sports. They're pretty much the dumbest people in the entire school. But, to their credit, they don't even try to pretend that they care about academics. And as long as they win and avoid felony charges, the administration is happy to cheer them on and make them the most celebrated people in town.

Favorite School Activity: Excluding sports? Bullying.

Post-Graduation Plans: Attending an SEC school.


Big East = Unpopular Kids

Description: They mean well, but they really struggle to get or keep any friends. They're always asking people to study together or hang out, but everyone always bails at the last minute with some bullshit excuse. You'd think they'd give up after a while and become resigned to their dorky, unpopular, friendless existence, but every Friday you see them asking out some other girl. It's pathetic to watch.

Favorite School Activity: Basketball manager

Post-Graduation Plans: Meet a bunch of cool, new people at college and become best friends with them!


Big 12 = Theatre Nerds

Description: Everything is so dramatic with these people. He left her and then she left him, and they were going to break up, but then they decided to get back together and now they're not sure who's in love with who. And on and on and on. Attorneys even got involved one time. No one else in school pays them much attention anymore because it's like a non-stop, exhausting soap opera. Get over yourselves. You're not that interesting.

Favorite School Activity: Going to the guidance counselor's office to talk through every little issue.

Post-Graduation Plans: Ohmigod, who even knows? They just want to keep it together until this next play. So much STRESS!


Big Ten = Legacy Assholes

Description: No one likes them much and they have accomplished absolutely nothing in their entire high school career, yet they are able to skate through school with a sort of untouchable status because their family has lived in the community forever and their dad or older brother was an accomplished student-athlete years and years ago.

Favorite School Activity: History

Post-Graduation Plans: Attending the same school their dad went to and then getting a job at their dad's company as an executive.


ACC = Rich Kids

Description: They fit in fairly well with everyone else, but they're about as soft as you can get. Popped collars, button-down shirts in pastel colors, cardigans tied around their shoulders. Yeah, everyone thinks they're a huge pussy.

Favorite School Activity: Lunch, because their family chef packs them a delicious quiche.

Post-Graduation Plans: Immediately after graduation? Three weeks in the south of France.


Pac-12 = Popular Kids

Description: They're always relaxed and all about just having fun. Somehow they're tan year-round and most of the hottest girls sit at their lunch table.

Could they take things more seriously and do better at sports and academics? Sure. But there's a lot more to life than sports and academics, like last Friday night when they hooked up with one of those Big 12 Theatre girls at a party.

Favorite School Activity: Whatever

Post-Graduation Plans: Whatever. Possibly having a kid with the Big 12 Theatre girl. Who knows.


Mountain West = Foreign Exchange Student

Description: They're great and everyone likes them. But no matter what, they'll always be seen as an outsider.

Favorite School Activity: Anything that lets them feel like they're part of an American school!

Post-Graduation Plans: Becoming a U.S. citizen! (In reality: deportation.)