The Arizona Diamondbacks franchise officially apologized for making the postseason today at a sparsely attended press conference, acknowledging that no one is interested in seeing them play.
"To Major League Baseball, baseball fans and the country as a whole, we sincerely apologize for being here," said a man named Kevin, who claimed he was the team's general manager. "Thankfully, it seems we will be out of everyone's hair ASAP."
Team representatives said they ended up in the playoffs because "things got out of hand" and "one thing led to another."
"Look, we don't find us any more interesting than you do," said former Dodgers and Tiger star Kirk Gibson, who oddly spoke for the team. "We were just going along, minding our business, trying to sell a few tickets with B.J. Upton's brother and the pitcher the Yankees traded us and then we look up and the Giants and Dodgers — teams people might want to see — are losing pretty much non-stop. I promise you that us being here was not intentional."
The Kevin guy said he and team officials approached baseball commissioner Bud Selig about being replaced in the postseason for the good of the game.
"Bud made some calls, but the Dodgers couldn't afford the airfare for away games and the Giants were all drunk or high," said Kevin. "So, we had to go. Sorry."
The Diamondbacks also asked Major League Baseball to formally investigate their supposed 2001 World Series title.
"That just sounds … I don't know, unlikely," said Kevin. "I saw the trophy sitting in our office the other day and it looked out of place. We don't want to have something that shouldn't be ours."