7 Replacement Acts for the "Monday Night Football" Song

Guns N' Roses b16d0cf5121b20f7b8b4fd7ed5faa48b

SONG: A neo-grunge-meets-industrial ditty wherein Axl Rose's battles with fame, success, and drugs are used as a metaphor for a 4-wide spread option attack.

PERFORMANCE NOTES: Axl Rose is now a bloated, self-involved shell of his former self, so make sure he's joined by every other ex-athlete on television.

FRIENDS: Rowdy

Arcade Fire 2eef75859362ba84a3ee957237bfe8e0

SONG: Song begins with a verse depicting the trials and tribulations of underprivileged working-class Haitians, leads into a chorus mentioning how the Packers and Bears are ready to brawl, while sprinkling in references to Brian Bosworth and the CFL's Winnipeg Blue Bombers in the chorus, so as to maintain indie credibility.

PERFORMANCE NOTES: Video should be a montage of pets currently up for adoption. Stage should be enough to include each of Arcade Fire's 27 members, plus special guest James Murphy of LCD Soundsystem and the re-animated corpse of legendary blues singer Leadbelly. Throw Cyndi Lauper in there, too, for good measure.

FRIENDS: Hipsters

Faith Hill

SONG: Exactly the same as her Sunday Night Football song, but the word "Sunday" is replaced with "Monday".

PERFORMANCE NOTES: Exactly the same as her Sunday Night Football performance, but the NBC logo is replaced with the ESPN logo.

FRIENDS: Southern, white women

Kanye West0d390d2278d1cb15573df5ecfc237b7f

SONG: An intricate and distinctive beat supporting lyrics that describe both teams as disrespected, yet the greatest in the NFL, followed by an unnecessarily crude lyric about blitzing a woman's vagina, and closed by West declaring that Roger Goodell doesn't care about black players.

PERFORMANCE NOTES: A traditional video in which West raps the song in front of a green screen showing highlights of both teams. However, he pops in throughout the broadcast to inform players that their touchdowns were good, but not the greatest of all time, no disrespect.

FRIENDS: Jay-Z and suburban white kids

Weird Al Yankovic

SONG: A note-for-note parody of Hank Williams Jr.'s intro song called "All My Lousy Friends".

PERFORMANCE NOTES: Despite being a parody singer, Yankovic's song will have superior lyrics, music and production quality than anything Hank Williams Jr. has ever done.

FRIENDS: Weirdos and/or 13 year-olds

Justin BieberJustin Bieber Visits The Nintendo World Store

SONG: Trite, repetitive lyrics over a bubblegum pop beat that compare the chase for the Super Bowl trophy to a teenager's pursuit of a crush.

PERFORMANCE NOTES: A package of clips of Bieber palling around with star NFL players, interspersed with footage of him playing football, some of which may be highlights of Tom Brady from the 2009 and 2010 seasons.

FRIENDS: Perverts and 13 year-olds

Lady Gaga 958c34bd103e36c4221aa9601f58c367

SONG: A dance song in which Gaga celebrates the beauty of the traditionally overlooked and forgotten members of the NFL, such as linemen, punters, long-snappers and the Jacksonville Jaguars.

PERFORMANCE NOTES: Gaga performs in a gown and hat made of freshly-cut pigskin, as fresh blood pools around her, to make a statement about how she likes getting attention. And also maybe about the violence inherit in American football.

FRIENDS: Rowdy and gay

Advertisement