Why Your Favorite NFL Team Sucks

NFC EAST

Dallas Cowboys – Referring to the Cowboys as "America's Team" is about the least patriotic thing imaginable, as the Cowboys are horrible. They haven't even made it to a conference title game since 1995. The Panthers — Panthers! — have done it three times since then. The America's Team issue should actually be raised with presidential candidates.

[[[chat]]]Moderator: Do you think the Dallas Cowboys are America's Team?

Candidate: Yes.

Moderator: Why do you hate America?[[[/chat]]]

New York Giants – Let's not be too negative here. Eli Manning will always have a spot on the list of "Crappiest Quarterbacks to Have Won a Super Bowl." There's nothing we can do to take that away from him. He's like a dumb Brad Johnson.

Jason Babin
*Philadelphia Eagles* – WOW! Look at all those AWESOME players the Eagles acquired this offseason. There's Nnamdi Asomugha and … uh … hmm … is this the right list? … uhh … mmm … the second-best player I'm seeing here is Jason Babin. Can that be right? Jason Babin? Oooh! Look out for the Eagles' star power! They're rolling with Jason Babin now, bitches!

Washington Redskins – It's getting better for the Redskins. They used to bring in veterans who used to be good. See: Donovan McNabb, Mark Brunell, Bruce Smith, et cetera, et cetera. Now they're brining in veterans who were never good. See: Rex Grossman. Way to change it up, guys!

NFC North

44199255801a1082d96eb267226ed86d
*Detroit Lions* – Oh, Lions fans. You're so sure your team is about to blossom into greatness. Just look at the progress in recent years: 0 wins, then 2 wins, then 6 last year! WOW! 6 wins! Amazing stuff. The last time the Lions won as many as 6 games (and were on the way up!) — way back in 2004 — they then proceeded to go 5-11 and 3-13. Sorry, Lions fans. Your team sucks and will always suck. They are the Lions. "No, no! This time it's different!" No, no.

Chicago Bears – Jay Cutler is, by far, your best quarterback in decades. Jay Cutler. Best in decades. By far. What a horrible franchise.

Green Bay Packers – It's called a Super Bowl hangover. It could be injuries, it could be ego, it could be a sex scandal with some of the local, portly milkmaids, but something will come along and trip you up. That is, if something has to even come along. You didn't even win your division over Jay Cutler and the Bears last year. If any Super Bowl title should ever be asterisked, it's that one.

Minnesota Vikings – Brett Favre is gone so you scoured the available quarterback list to find someone even less effective. Got him! Donovan McNabb. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you don't try to not win Super Bowls. You've made it into an art. Like those artists who take a dump on a canvas. (Your canvas is your fans.)

NFC SOUTH

Atlanta Falcons – Nice work trading your whole draft away to make a Super Bowl run with Julio Jones. Only about 12 missing pieces to go!

Carolina Panthers – Well, your tight end has an amazing arm for a tight end. But you still shouldn't be playing him at quarterback.

New Orleans Saints – Wow, your defense is terrible. You know, it's rude to the concept of "defense" to even say that you have a defense. It would be like if I suffered a break-in and I told the police that I have an alarm system on my house. And they would say: "Where is it? Was it on?" And I would say: "I don't actually have an alarm system. I just tell people I do." That's your defense.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – You have a lot of good, young talent. Too bad Kellen Winslow is on the team. He's going to mentor them all into being overrated assholes by Week 10.

NFC WEST

Arizona Cardinals – You're in the NFC West.

St. Louis Rams – You're in the NFC West.

San Francisco 49ers – You're in the NFC West.

Seattle Seahawks – You're the champion of the NFC West. Congrats on being best at sucking.

Advertisement