*Buffalo Bills* – The Bills are so awful that Buffalo is trying to pawn them off on Toronto. There is literally nothing else to do in Buffalo other than watch the Sabres lose or drive up north for a cliche wedding to a fat chick by a waterfall, yet the city still doesn't want you. Sad.
Miami Dolphins – Remember how people used to imagine Lebron playing for the Browns? Notice that no one mentions Lebron suiting up for the Dolphins. Because as much as America hates Lebron, we still don't hate him enough to wish that level of failure on him. Yes, Dolphins, you are now more pathetic than the Browns. Good work.
New England Patriots – It's sad, really. Acquiring washed-up, former stars — in your case social media's Chad Ochocinco and social dining's Albert Haynesworth — is such textbook behavior for a once-great team entering its final descent into irrelevance. Bill Belichick was supposed to be smarter than this. Maybe you can try to sign Deion Sanders. Or, if he's not available, Gary Payton and Karl Malone.
New York Jets – While mediocre at his job, your "franchise" quarterback is totally bangable. So that's nice. But you have to question his decision-making — on the field and off. I mean, white pants after Labor Day??? Come on, Mark, you'll never earn Tom Brady's respect that way.
Baltimore Ravens – No team talks more while accomplishing nothing than the Ravens. And, no, all of your critics are not "haters." "Haters" are people who dislike something even in the face of contradictory evidence. Whereas, in your case, there is plenty of evidence that you suck. (See: the first sentence about you never accomplishing anything and/or every one of your offensive possessions in franchise history.)
Cincinnati Bengals – Is it really necessary to do this one? It feels mean. Ripping on the Bengals is like heckling a Little League team. A Little League team full of juvenile felons. The Bengals probably just had bad parents.
Cleveland Browns – Ooh! Good for you! You're Ohio's "good" NFL team! It's the only title the NFL offers for getting to 5 wins.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Your franchise is built on defense. Bummer for you. Defense isn't allowed in the NFL anymore. And shut up about being targeted for head-shots. You can't bitch about head-shots being outlawed in the NFL and then demand that the NHL protect Sidney Crosby. It's either murderball for all or rec league rules. Make a pick, Steely McBeam.
Houston Texans – You are the only NFL franchise that has never made the playoffs. No need to over-think this one. You are the definition of "suck".
Indianapolis Colts – Wait … your franchise still exists? Even without Peyton Manning? Okay, maybe it officially does, but not really.
*Jacksonville Jaguars* – Your quarterback is Luke McCown, younger brother of Josh McCown and former Texas A&M quarterback Randy McCown. He's also probably also somehow related to epic Bears bust Cade McNown. As the Manning Family is to quarterbacking, the McCown family is to not quarterbacking. (Note: the picture to the right is not of Luke McCown, because who cares about Luke McCown. But that guy probably looks similar.)
Tennessee Titans – Your new quarterback was deemed "too crappy" by the Seattle Seahawks. The Seattle Seahawks. Come on. And nice work giving Chris Johnson $30 million guaranteed. That's a generous reward for hitting his peak two years ago. I would have gone gold watch there.
Denver Broncos – Whew! You dodged the Tim Tebow bullet. You don't want that guy playing quarterback for you! Let's see who you're starting in his place. Oh. Kyle Orton. Hmm. You still suck, you're just less marketable now. Savvy.
Kansas City Chiefs – There are a handful of professional sports franchises that could disappear — sinkhole, lightning strike, whatever — and it would literally take weeks for anyone to notice. (The Kansas City Royals are a baseball example of this.)
Oakland Raiders – It's rude to rip on Al Davis because he is a very old man and some day we will all be old and die. However, when you consider that he's a complete ass, terrible at his job, and hated by almost everyone who has ever worked with him, then: less rude.
San Diego Chargers – Norv Turner.