From a Coach: Issue #8

Ever hear a coach say something horrible and/or hilarious? Send your submissions to OverheardSP at gmail. Or submit for future editions about things overheard at a game, at the gym or terrible sports gifts you've received.

In high school, we arrived at football practice and my buddy Kenny found his cleats had been stolen from his locker. He goes into the coach's office and asks the coach what he should do, not practice, practice in sneakers, etc. Coach doesnt even look at him and keeps typing. Kenny asks again and without even looking up the coach eventually says, "What the hell do you want me to do, Kenny, shit you a new pair?"

– Ben

When I was wrestling in middle school, we had a tournament in a small town called Bangor. One of my teammates went up to our coach and asked, "Am I wrestling at Bangor?" Our coach immediately responded, "Bang her? I barely know her." We were in 5th grade. That kid didn't end up wrestling.

– Al

What makes this story funny is not the coach's words per se, because I'm sure they've been said before, but rather that fact that they came out of this particular coach's mouth. Our HC/DC was known for his level-headed stoicism and for being downright boring and long-winded. It was so bad our D-line coach used to mock him in position meetings and once said, "I don't know how you all stay awake during his meetings."

During the playoffs my senior year, we played a rival team who had a linebacker who used to jump up and down and bang his chest before every play. Obnoxious. After thoroughly drubbing our opponent in the first half (no first downs, 32 total yards or something), we went to the locker room for halftime. Head Coach got up in front of the whiteboard to show us what adjustments we were going to make on D and said: "F—k it. I'm so jacked right now I could run over across that field and headbutt that son of a bitch," as he turned his cap backwards and started jumping up and down pounding his chest, mocking the other team's 17 year-old linebacker.

"Here you go coach," he said, handing the marker to the OC.

– Adam

My high school football coach was a genius. Not like the Bill Walsh kind of football genius. He was a genius because he came up with a way to get away with saying whatever he wanted. He planted a story with league refs that he suffered from Tourette's. So when he said things like "Their left tackle is holding on every play, motherf—ker" or "Goddamit shit that's a bad f—king spot, asshole," the officials just quietly nodded, not wanting to chastise a man who suffered from a serious neurological disorder.

– Kevin

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Send your "Overheard From A Coach", "Overheard At The Game" or "Overheard At The Gym" or embarrassing sports apparel and memorabilia you have owned stories to OverheardSP at gmail.