Despite a promising 2-1 start to his career as a head coach, Hue Jackson was fired today by Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis.
"Things weren't working out," said Davis during a long, rambling press conference this afternoon. "Hank is not the man to lead the Los Angeles Raiders organization into the future."
Jackson sat nearby and tried to interrupt Davis a few times at the start of the press conference to correct his former boss — "I was hoping maybe he meant to fire someone else," said Jackson — but was repeatedly hushed by the 82 year-old owner.
Davis successfully quieted Jackson completely when he pulled off one of his ears and hurled it at the stunned coach, who then left to wipe off the blood, connective tissue and maggots from his face.
After announcing that "Holden Jackman" was being let go, Davis told the assembled media that he would be hiring his nurse, Sheila, as the team's new head coach.
"Sheila does what I tell her," said Davis, "so I know she'll run the team the way I want it run. If I tell her my bed pan is full, she empties it. If I tell her to throw it deep to Tim Brown, she'll do that, too."
Davis then wrapped up the press conference by falling asleep.