Why All of Your NFL Fantasy Picks Suck

Minnesota Vikings v Chicago Bears

Did you pick any of these guys in your fantasy draft? Well they, and you, suck. Here's why. (Note: players ranked using ESPN.com's fantasy rankings.)

1. Adrian Peterson, RB, Vikings — Congratulations. Your top running back has run the ball a staggering 1,945 times over the past 7 seasons, is coming off of the lowest yardage season of his pro career, is running behind a crap line, is prone to fumbling and now has Donovan McNabb as his quarterback, so opposing defenses will have 11 men in the box. Great pick. Idiot.

2. Arian Foster, RB, Texans — Oh, jeez. Where to start. You just had to have a player from the mighty Texans, huh? Well, here's the problem: you wanted Arian Foster last year. You probably also drafted Domanick Davis in 2005, one year after he was good. And Steve Slaton in 2009, one year after he was good. Detect a pattern? It's you, and the Texans, sucking. (We won't even go into the fact that you reached for a guy whose name is basically "Aryan", you racist.)

3. Chris Johnson, RB, Titans — Oh, yeah. When he reports to the team in Week 3, plays for the first time in Week 4, starts in Week 5 and then gets hurt in Week 6, that one, full game of action will really be worth the pick. But don't feel bad. In an alternate reality where Johnson wasn't a holdout, you really got a steal here! Super work, guy!

4. Jamaal Charles, RB, Chiefs — Unlike Peterson, Charles hasn't been overused. He has only 487 carries in 3 NFL seasons. Which is also why he's a crap pick. The Chiefs are protecting him by making him share carries with Thomas Jones and Dexter McCluster. So unless your league awards points for Running Back Freshness or Lack Of Running Back Sweat, you're screwed.

5. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jaguars — Hey! Guess who had offseason knee surgery? This guy. Hey! Guess whose starting quarterback is still David Garrard? This guy. Hey! Guess whose fantasy team sucks? Yours.

*6. Ray Rice, RB, Ravens* — In case you haven't been following along, Ray Rice is the 6th-rated running back available, meaning he's shittier than all the other shitbacks we've already gone through. Okay, just making sure you were up to speed. Beyond that, even immigrants to America who have never heard of football know that you never, under any circumstances, pick a Baltimore Ravens offensive player in a fantasy football draft. It's the two things all foreigners know about America: 1) America is the land of freedom; 2) The Ravens' offense blows. So armed with all of this information, what do you think now of your pick? Yes. It does suck. To a great degree.

7. Aaron Rodgers, QB, Packers — Ooh! Look at the smart guy with the alternative approach taking a quarterback early! You must know something everyone else doesn't! Well, here's one thing you probably don't know: Super Bowl trophy aside, Aaron Rodgers threw for 3,922 yards and 28 TDs last year. Guess who beat both of those numbers? Eli Manning. You just drafted Eli Manning. How smart are you now, smart guy?

8. LeSean McCoy, RB, Eagles — Can't go wrong with the starting running back of The Dream Team, right? Wrong. All 700 pounds of Andy Reid's fat, stupid body hates running the ball. Plus, the Eagles have Ronnie Brown now, so you can guarantee he'll be taking opportunities away from McCoy at the goal line. You better hope Reid is forced to miss a few games this year due to being stuck in his house.

9. Andre Johnson, WR, Texans — Johnson played at Miami from 2000 to 2002. That means two things: 1) he's getting old; and 2) you can almost guarantee he'll be embroiled in some sort of prostitute murder scandal by mid-season and suspended by Dictator Goodell.

10. Michael Vick, QB, Eagles — How long is your league's season? 16 weeks? Oh, that's too bad. Because Vick is going to be hurt by Week 4.