A new baseball stat set to be unveiled this week will instantly make sabermetric followers who cling to OPS, WAR, VORP, ERA+ and other "modern" baseball stats look foolish and laughably out-of-touch.
"You know how your stupid grandfather talks about pitcher wins and batting average and RBI?" says the new stat's developer, Jake Huffman. "It's sad. Well, now people who talk OPS and WAR will sound like a bunch of f—king pathetic morons, too."
Huffman, a Caltech freshamn and Giants fan, used advanced algorithms to crunch every baseball statistic in the game's history to develop SMUG — Systematic Measurables Understanding Games.
According to Huffman, "as long as people recognize the perfection of this stat, all other baseball statistics will instantly be obsolete and these drooling sabermetric people will be reduced to making painfully stupid UZR arguments on sports talk radio. Idiots."
Some sabermetric followers initially reached out to Huffman upon hearing rumors of SMUG in an attempt to learn it and have SMUG compliment their current set of statistics. But he quickly rebuffed them.
"Trust me, after SMUG comes out, anyone who ever said, for example, OPS was a thing that had any value will lose all credibility among any baseball fans with functioning brains," says Huffman.
Other sabermetricians have dug in.
"Just because some new stat comes along doesn't mean everything changes about baseball player evaluation," said Bill James. "Baseball has had a long history. Now that I think about it, eyeballing a player and gauging his intangibles is probably the absolute best way to measure a player anyway."