Jose Bautista Shocked to Find Out He’s Not on Steroids

Minnesota Twins v Toronto Blue Jays
In the midst of an era in baseball in which any good hitter is suspected of being on steroids, Jose Bautista has been under intense scrutiny. When his PED drug tests came back negative last week, nobody could believe it, including Bautista himself.

"I had always just assumed I was on steroids," said an obviously confused Bautista. "I have always been awful at baseball, so I figured a trainer or my agent or somebody must have slipped me something in an attempt to make me half-decent."

Bautista currently leads the MLB in home runs, on base percentage, slugging percentage and is one of the league leaders in average. This season continues a remarkable 2-year run for the 30 year-old Bautista, who most player evaluation personnel referred to as "amazingly shit-tastic" as recently as 15 months ago.

Former Blue Jays outfielder Vernon Wells confirms that assessment of Bautista's abilities.

"A couple years ago me and Jose were in the cage before a game hitting baseballs off a tee, just to get warmed up before batting practice," says Wells. "And not a word of lie, Jose swung and missed 15 times before weakly hitting one that just barely rolled off the tee. Then he cursed loudly, threw his bat and started crying. I couldn't believe he was a major league player, and now that people are calling him the best in the game, there's no doubt in my mind he has been juicing."

Bautista was so sure the tests would come back positive that he had already tweeted that he was "very sorry for using steroids" and he also said that "I didn't knowingly take steroids, but mistakes happens."

And while it was a relief to him at first to have passed the test, he soon realized that if he wasn't actually on steroids, there was a good chance he would go back to his old, "shit-tastic" self.

"Now that I know I'm clean, I'm afraid I might not be able to hit home runs anymore," said Bautista in a press conference. "The fact that I thought I was on steroids gave me the confidence I needed. Now I have nothing giving me a false sense of security. I should probably just go back to the Pirates and be a utility player again."