Atlanta Braves: "162 games proves more than 5 or 7 does."
Washington Nationals: "Watch us draft."
New York Mets: "When typed into Google, it responds" 'did you mean the New York Yankees?'"
Philadelphia Phillies: "Don't judge us by our fans."
Florida Marlins: "Worse attendance than a 5th grade graduation."
Chicago Cubs: "Don't worry. Even though we're bad, we can still blame it on Steve Bartman."
St. Louis Cardinals: "Also known as Albert Pujols and the Cardinettes"
Milwaukee Brewers: "Beer, sausages, Prince Fielder and other things fat people like."
Pittsburgh Pirates: "At least no one's been accused of rape."
Houston Astros: "Proud minor league affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies!"
Cincinnati Reds: "We actually like Pete Rose. And his hair."
San Diego Padres: "We lose like the Chargers but with 1/4 the talent."
Arizona Diamondbacks: "It's a dry 2nd place."
Los Angeles Dodgers: "We're actually really surprised no one else has gone bankrupt in this economy."
Colorado Rockies: "A nice diversion when the ski slopes are closed."
San Francisco Giants: "How are we going to get people to forget about Barry Bonds? Oh, just bring in a raging bearded lunatic, give him the closer job and win the World Series."